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I love how the people who made my livejournal layout exceeded their fucking photobucket bandwidth and now my livejournal has "BANDWIDTH EXCEEDED!" all over it instead of flowers.
My 14 year old cousin is apparently also a fruit fly, and her queen is as bitchy as mine.  This is what he wrote about her on his myspace:

"Dannielle-Gosh i dont know where to start. 7th grade maybe when i thought you were a complete dyke. Who would of thought all the things that happend between then and now actually happend. Truely, you will be part of my life forever. If its in New York,Hollywood,or a trailor park it doesnt matter as long as your there."

Aww.  I have a feeling this is what Jesse and I would have been like had we met in 7th grade.
So this past weekend was kind of crazy.

I went with Rachel to Jessica's brother's stupid, stupid bar.  It's common knowledge to everyone except Jessica, apparently, that I cannot fucking stand Jessica.  There should not be something insane happening every single day of your life, psycho.  And she started in on the bullshit ten minutes after we got there.  I can't remember what she said because I ended up getting really drunk. It was something about someone wanting to beat someone else up.  Whatever.  Luckily, she was "floating", because she's really super important, so we didn't have to see much of her.  We did see enough of each other, though, for her to catch me making fun of her for grinding on everyone, which was fucking awesome.  She was like, "OH SHUT UP".  Ten seconds later, she forgot about it and started grinding on me.  I also saw Kenny who I worked with at Target.  He's still 849758439758 pounds.

We also drank with someone with whom I went to elementary school.  And not the good elementary school, I went to school with him after I moved here after my uncle died and at the beginning of the huge family break-up and was all awkward and had no friends.  I also sat next to him in 8th grade science.  We were never friends, but he witnessed a lot of uncomfortable stages of my life.  I knew ahead of time that he was going to be there, but it didn't occur to me how weird it would be at first.  While I was still sober, I kind of felt like all he was thinking about was some weird, friendless fat girl.  I kind of felt the need to explain myself to him.  I almost felt like I should have said "look, homeboy.  We were kind of like the Kennedys back in the 90s."  You know, without the money.

I got hammered instead.

I kind of realized over the next few days how long ago that was and it doesn't matter in the least.  It's messed up that being with one person from my past for three hours who I really didn't and still don't know brought me back to feeling like an awkward, helpless 9 year old.  But with booze.


After trying for months, I finally got Rachel to "smile" with me.  Twice!  We had a ton of fun.  We giggled for like 2 hours, played some Wii, then she said "dude, I need to go to bed."  So I left, and on the way home, I stopped at Giant Eagle and got some cupcakes!  Mind you, it was at 2am.  Thank god for self checkout.

I forgot to blog about how adorable Rachel's son Zander is.  The other day after he went potty, he was pretending to be a dinosaur, and he walked up to me with his arms in front of his chest like a dinosaur, and went "RARRRRRRRR I WENT POTTY!!!"



RITA IS THE DUMBEST THING EVER.  You have to enroll, then wait 48 hours, THEN register.  What. the. fuck.  I hate this crappy city government.
I'm turning into a shitty version of a professional blogger.  I bet you miss the days I used to blog about period farts and old women with assholes the size of LARGE MELONS.  

Several updates:

1. No jury duty this week, much to my dismay.
2. Helping stages  move was epic slash annoying, and not because of the moving, but because my mom called Jesse's cell phone approximately 850 times about a touchy subject.  We got lost on Mayfield Road, but we ended up having a great adventure around some scary parts of Cleveland.  It took like four hours to drive from Cleveland to Madison because Jesse drives like an old man bitch, but we got peanut butter milkshakes when we got there, so that combined with the bonding made it worth it.  I went back over Julie's later and hung out with them.  We watched Iron Man, and it was literally the DUMBEST movie I have ever seen in my whole life, but I didn't say anything because they seemed to enjoy it.  Guess the monkey's out of the bottle now.  In closing, I will miss Chopsticks.
3. My booty call finally moved to Columbus.  Good riddance.  AND DON'T CALL ME 100 TIMES A DAY FROM THERE, EITHER.
4. Happy Gilmore is not as funny as I thought it was when I was 15, except "I wanna kiss you all ovaaa" and the guy with the "Guns don't kill people, I KILL PEOPLE!" t-shirt.
5. I FINALLY did my taxes.  Grown folks' Christmas is on its way!

An Open Letter to Female Celebrities

Dear Female Celebrities:

Please stop wearing ugly, frumpy dresses.  It is not flattering, and it makes you look matronly. 

Jessica Biel, you look like shit.  Take away that ridiculous "bow" thing on the front of your dress, bring up your foot-snatching hem, take in the hips a titch, and you'll look fucking smokin'.

Frieda Pinto, you're out of the slum now.  You don't have to wear your old sweat shop uniform anymore.  I don't necessarily have a problem with the bottom of this dress, although I don't prefer it.  If you'd take in the hips, remove that ridiculous sleeve/bizarre neck tie combination, you'd have a lovely strapless number.  Don't forget your wonderbra!  

Sarah Jessica Parker, please kill yourself.  I just don't like you or your clothes.

Angelina Jolie, I don't know why you've been borrowing all your gowns lately from the set of Doubt, but please knock that shit off.  You used to be the hottest shit in the whole fucking world.  You've already done enough weird shit that's going to embarrass your kids in 10 years, you can stand to dress a little sluttier.

Beyonce, you almost got it right.  Keep trying.

Meryl Streep, you are one hot bitch.  Beyonce, take note.

Finally, Miley Cyrus, as much as I hate to admit this, you were the best dressed at the Oscars.  Your dress could stand to be shortened slightly, but you could really teach these bitches something.  P.S., what the fuck were you doing at the Oscars, you ugly little bitch?

A Disturbing Fashion Trend

I'm noticing a really obnoxious trend among men lately: unbent baseball cap bills.

Chris Brown: Someone should beat the shit out of you.

Being the fashionista that I am, I am surprisingly unoffended by baseball caps in general.  My dad used to wear baseball caps constantly, so I do have a certain affection for them.  He even commented on one of my brother's hooligan friends' baseball caps.  "Aren't you going to bend the bill, you hoodlum?"  It's a sad day when I respond to some crazy old man shit my dad says with "yeah, really" and an aggravated eye roll.

4½ Complaints

1. My keyboard is a piece of shit and just stops working every once in a while.

2. My friend's 2 month old scratched the shit out of my face.  Those fuckers have fingernails like razor blades.

3. I am ill as FUCK.  And not in the hip sense.  I got the flu, yo.

4. My car payment is due in 10 days and I still have no job.  I got my vacation time payout check today, and in the next couple days I will be getting a check for $1,089 since my 401(k) was less than $5,000 and I can't keep it in their plan.  It cost those motherfuckers a lot of money to fire me!

5. I have no cigarettes, gas or money.

6. Fuck you, god!
Before I go into my intended rant, I just want to say that it really pisses me off that Oxycodone does nothing for me.  I didn't even get a little buzz.

Now on to more important things.

I'm tired of all the anti-gay bullshit.  I am a straight woman, and I am fucking sick of it.  

I saw the movie Milk recently, and while it wasn't as good as I'd expected, it is certainly an important film.  In the movie, Harvey Milk asks his gay supporters to come out to their families and friends in hopes that people would realize they know gay people and it would humanize them.  I see gay people attempting to humanize themselves to their families constantly, and it hurts me when the results are not positive.

If you're wondering why I give a shit, it's because I come from a loving family.  We have definitely had our fair share of rough patches, and even a few downright tragedies.  But to this day, we say "I love you" to each other every time we speak.  And I'm not just talking about my immediate family, either.  My aunts, my cousins and my uncles.  We are all very close and I would do anything for any of them.  If I told any of them right now that I was a lesbian, nothing would change.  I think everyone deserves that.  

I find my gay best friend's family particularly irritating.  They are deeply religious and seem to take the "hate the sin, love the sinner" position.  Bullshit.  Calling something that is not even a choice a "sin" is obnoxious and offensive.  If you oppose gay marriage, fine.  But oppose it for the right reasons.  Oppose it because marriage is a religious institution, not because gay sex is icky.  Don't take it to the polls, either, because if it is a religious institution, which it undeniably is, it doesn't belong there.  Churches are perfectly capable of making their own decisions about gay marriage.  Besides, why would you vote against something that directly affects your child's happiness? 

As for other anti-gay crusaders who do not know any open gay people, the issue is completely irrelevant in your life.  So why, then, are you acting like this is 1954 and continuing to knowingly, even proudly oppress gay people?  This is the same exact thing America did to black people for centuries.  Now we have a black president and the majority of Americans are embarrassed about the way we or our relatives acted.  It seems like we will never learn our lesson.  Fear is always #1 in America.

If it's any consolation, gay people, you too will probably beat women to the White House.